Tribe, I’m currently in New York at the United Nations for CSW67 and I attended a panel discussion entitled “Bad Women, Waiting at the Gate - Challenges, Successes and Learnings of Inclusion and Inclusivity of Lesbian, Transgender, Bisexual, Intersex, Queer, Sex Worker and Rural Women to Women’s and Feminist Movements.” (I have shared the flyer so you may see the beautiful faces of these bright, out of order and BAD women.”
The discussion was rich and I was extremely stimulated in that space. One of the panelists, Njeri Gateru spoke about their existence and how their life experiences had always placed them in the “bad” category through being other or less than what was considered ideal and how this “badness” has allowed them to move with a sense of audacity and to push back against what society has offered them and people like them. (my interpretation of their words)
That resonated deeply with me, through their words I heard my experience being articulated. I have been othered, discarded because of so many different things in life. I can never forget once when I went back to my high school I saw a past teacher of mine and he asked me where I was working and I told him that I was in law school and I saw a look on his face that perfectly conveyed what he had thought of me - his face said “you, you’re in law school? i never thought you’d be that person”
Now Tribe, let’s be clear I wasn’t a good student, I wasn’t diligent, I wasn’t getting good grades. I was going through quite a lot at home, at school and internally. I was always outspoken and I always pushed back. My school fee wasn’t always paid. I didn’t always look well put together. I was a bad student. My report cards always said things like “talks too much, has potential, needs to apply herself.”
In my family, I am the bad daughter, niece, granddaughter and cousin. I talk too much. I drink, I smoke, I fornicate, I dress scantily, I tattoo and pierce my body, I love women. “I do not know my place.”
This morning while going through my photos, I stumbled across this photo from my time in Jamaica.
The words hit me deeply. I have always been bright and out of order and those two characteristics have opened more doors for me than when I tried to conform.
Every single time I have coloured within the lines, the picture of my life is dull.
Every single time, I colour outside of the lines and lean into my chaos, life brightens up for me. It opens up for me.
When I was in college, my Sociology teacher always used to repeat “The conformist gets the reward.” I do not want the reward that conformity gives me. The reward is a dull life that is untrue to self.
I am bright, out of order and bad. That is the best version of me.
It is my brightness, disorderly conduct and badness that has allowed me to write to you about this experience from New York. It is my brightness, disorderly conduct and badness that caused me to start Wednesday Word. It is my brightness, disorderly conduct and badness that informs my activism. It is my brightness, disorderly conduct and badness that gives me the audacity to quit anything that does not serve me and pursue that which does with a fervor I cannot explain.
As far as we know, we have one wild and precious life, why conform to get a reward that is dull and boring when you can be bright, out of order and bad!
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“It is my brightness, disorderly conduct and badness that gives me the audacity to quit anything that does not serve me and pursue that which does with a fervor I cannot explain.” I can’t fully describe how deeply this quote and entire piece touches me. Thank you so much for sharing, I’m so excited that I found your newsletter!!
Best thing I’ve read all year ❤️