how to receive no

I have a daily inspirational quote calendar on my desk at work.

Today it reads:

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” - Oprah Winfrey 

I am minded to agree with Oprah. I love to say “closed mouths don’t get fed.”

Generally, it’s my position that we have to have the gall to ask for what we want. We either get it or we don’t and we pivot accordingly. 

However, even with my willingness to ask, I sometimes ask for less than I should. I’ve been wondering - why is that? Why do I do that?

The answer that came hurtling back at me is that there are times I doubt my ability and there are times I am afraid of the fullness of who I am.

Sometimes, I wear doubt and fear around my leg like a rope keeping me from asking for “too much” or going “too far”.

Doubt and fear have sat by my side and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. They have shown up in my life when it came to money, affairs of the heart and so much more.

Recently, I had an opportunity to charge for my services and doubt and fear hit my line. They asked me who I thought I was to ask for that. Eventually, I decided on a figure and sent off my invoice. Well well well, guys would you believe the people had no issue paying the price I quoted.

I was afraid to quote the price that I did but I remember saying to myself “it’s either they don’t pay it and I have my time for myself or they do pay my price and I go in there and do the damn thing.” In this case, the latter happened.

Now in hindsight, I think I could’ve charged more and that isn’t rooted in cockiness or anything like that.

PAUSE. Do you see how I feel the need to justify my statement that I could’ve asked for more?

Why? Why do I feel that need? The reality is I did the DAMN thing and I am THAT girl so I could and should ask for more.

What I want to focus on though is my thought process when making the decision to send off my invoice.

That was a pivotal moment for me. I had to be willing to accept their no, in the event it came. Not because that no would’ve defined me but because that no would’ve meant that that opportunity was not in line with what I want or deserve.

In asking for what we want, we must be able to recognise the blessing in a no.

In previous Wednesday Words, I’ve talked to you about honouring our own individual no’s. Now, I’m shifting the conversation.

Our no’s are powerful but so too are the no’s we receive. The no’s we receive provide us with information that what we require cannot be given in the space.

Be not confused though - something not being available in one space does not mean it is not available at all.

We have to grow comfortable with the possibility of hearing no and we have to get comfortable with pivoting from that no.

Being the recipient of a no does not define you.

Our fear of rejection has us not asking for what we truly want and accepting less because we think that’s all we can get. To be quite honest, the more I look back on that situation and others, I recognized that I accepted things based on the fact that I thought that was as good as it could get.

Here’s to rejecting that kind of thinking.

I don’t want to accept something because I think I can’t do any better and I’ll make do with the crumbs I’m being served. I want to accept something because it is that which I truly deserve.

You know the saying that’s been floating around on social media “Know your worth and add tax.”

You’ve seen it or heard it somewhere I’m sure.

It seems so simple when you read it but it’s much harder in reality and I believe that stems from a lot of messaging we receive. Particularly, messaging women receive. (Yes, I know the readership of Wednesday Word isn’t limited to women and neither is this experience. I do not intend to limit this to the binary and I am not trying to be exclusionary. I am just addressing a phenomenon that I see with my four eyes.)

When you know your worth and add tax that means that there will be things that you will have to do without.

In the case of that opportunity, had I sent my invoice and they said they couldn’t pay that, I could’ve considered being willing to charge less ‘cause some money is better than no money.

But baby, me choosing that approach is the equivalent to me accepting crumbs when I know I am worthy of the entire five course five star meal!

Have you accepted crumbs when you knew you were worthy of more? I’m almost sure you have.

I’m here to tell you that’s okay but we’re going to work on leaving that behaviour in the past where it belongs.

We are reshaping our relationship to being the recipient of no’s. Rejection is not easy but rejection is not the end.

I attended UWI Cave Hill’s graduation in 2020 and Mrs. Pamela Coke-Hamilton said something that has stuck with me ever since.

"Rejection is divine redirection.” - Pamela Coke-Hamilton

We can only get to a place of viewing rejection as divine redirection if we believe that which we desire exists for us.

I’m also going to tell you guys something, I don’t do the believing that which I desire exists for me by myself, I have a community of people around me who believe with me and for me. Sometimes, when doubt and fear are trying to hold me hostage, I have people who help me silence those voices. They remove the rope from around my leg and point me in the direction of evidence that affirms and uplifts.

I sought community when that opportunity fell in my lap and I am beyond grateful for them (you know who you are!)

We do not have to face rejection, doubts and fear on our own but we do have to reshape our individual relationship with being recipients of a no.

To receive the desires of our heart we have to have the audacity to ask and reach for them but coupled with that audacity, we need the strength to be resilient in the face of a no.

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Whatever medium you choose, I remain grateful.

Ever,

Zoë Mercedes.