It seems like I’m stuck on writing about no’s.
From owning your no to receiving no’s. Now, this week I’m talking about the no’s we tell ourselves.
I have a friend (she gave me permission to share this, btw!) and she’s dating but if she perceives anything that could be slightly off, she’s ready to run for the hills. We were talking and I asked her the question - “why are you rejecting yourself?!”
I reasoned it that way because without any evidence that things are going down south, she’s ready to pull away or call things off. If she’s in a space where she can be rejected, she chooses to reject herself first to save herself the trouble.
Well well well, wouldn’t you know that when I asked her that it was the perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black.
*cue vulnerability moment*
I’ve been feeling pangs of loneliness.
Tribe, most of you know I live alone so it’s me, myself and I at the end of the day. When I get home from work, it’s just me and those four walls. This isn’t to negate the people I text or video call with but ya girl be wanting some physical company (sometimes) and then on top of that, I want people to check in on me and I want to feel supported. Like, I can ask for a ride to the supermarket or something.
On top of that, the relationship I was in, ended a few months ago. This means that a person who was a critical part of my life is no longer there. That’s bound to hurt.
Yet before I ask someone for a ride to the supermarket or to simply just come over and spend time with me, I’m telling myself no. I’m telling myself that every one has their own stuff and I don’t want to burden anyone or I don’t want to inconvenience anyone so I just won’t ask.
I was talking to a friend who lives overseas about this and she said to me “closed mouths don’t get supported.” Ironic given what I shared last week but this is really what the journey looks like. It’s learning a lesson one day and being in a different situation another day and the lesson becomes applicable there too.
I’ve come to realize self-rejection can show up in many different ways but at the root, this self-rejection comes from fears and a lot of unconscious messaging. It comes from our past experiences or things we’ve observed but those things do not have to be the models we hold on to.
The same friend sent me this quote,
"Being heard is so close to being
loved that for the average person,
they are almost indistinguishable.
- David Augsburger
When we self-reject we counteract self-love and love in general, by self-rejecting we’re essentially saying to ourselves, the thing which you desire you don’t deserve. Self-rejection is another way we enforce the idea we’re not worthy.
As always this isn’t the space for us to beat ourselves up for behaviours, thought processes and patterns that adversely affect us. It’s important that we give ourselves grace as we move beyond behaviour that once limited us.
The thing about self-rejection is that it’s a defense mechanism, we’re trying to protect ourselves but some of the behaviour we’ve learned that may be useful for protection are sometimes dangerous for our growth.
Self-rejection blocks connection. It blocks opportunities. It limits growth and the chance to experience the things we yearn for most.
Choosing not to self-reject whether it be in the context of love, professional opportunities or anything else provides us with a chance for the deepening of our experience here on earth.
This newsletter is a labour of love from me to you, if you want to share your support for me and what I put into it, please do so either by liking, commenting, sharing, messaging me with feedback or sending me a tip via my Paypal.
Whatever medium you choose, I remain grateful.
Ever,
Zoë Mercedes.
Wow, this speaks to me so much!!!
I always appreciate your vulnerability and the relatability of your messages. ❤️